Stop Remaking Sense
By Adam D. Miller

I nearly spit my mouthful of coffee all over the newspaper when I read this morning that Ellen DeGeneres is to star in a remake of the 1977 George Burns film Oh, God!  “Oh, God!” is exactly what I have been saying over the past six or seven years, as dozens of classic films are being written off as irrelevant, only to be replaced by far inferior “updates.” I am here to say it once and say it loud:  STOP IT!

Why is it that perfectly decent films are constantly being updated and Americanized? Filmmakers like Wes Anderson , Spike Jonze, Sofia Copolla, The Coens (until recently, perhaps), Paul Thomas Anderson, and many others have proven that unique and entertaining films are still possible. Like music, the ideas are potentially unlimited. After all, films are not only based on real life, but also all that is imaginary. So why remake something that is already perfectly sensible in its pre-existing form? As we have seen, it has nothing to do with the fact that the original film is in the national language of Luxembourg and originally produced in 1906. So, to deal with my frustration, I have attempted to come up with a list of reasons that a film production company may decide to remake a film, discarding the previous version.

The original film is in black & white.

Oh no, black and white! How can I watch a film that isn’t in colour? After all, real life is in colour and I want something realistic. Please. I could start listing the dozens of Hollywood blockbusters that are totally absurd and unrealistic, but I won’t. I will instead point you towards the brilliant, older films that are extremely realistic despite being shot in black and white. An obvious choice is Citizen Kane. And what about film-noir? The entire film noir movement of the 1950s depended on black and white for its dark and brooding qualities. Go rent The Killers and see what I mean.

Black and white has a dramatic effect that colour can rarely offer. It’s why Hitchcock shot Psycho in black and white, despite the fact that several of his earlier films (Rear Window and Vertigo in particular) were in colour.  The famous “shower scene” would certainly not have been as effective in colour. After all, black blood is much more chilling than red.

I bring up Psycho for a good reason. In one of the worst moves to be made by a Hollywood producer, Gus Van Zant, an otherwise respectable director, decided to remake Psycho in 1998. The biggest mistake he made (aside from agreeing to direct such a film) was that he shot the film in colour. Automatically, the film was no longer an effective thriller, but instead, comical. The shots and script may have largely remained the same, but the mood was most certainly shifted.

But moving ahead, let’s look at some more recent films.  Are we to write-off Schindler’s List or The Man Who Wasn’t There because they were shot in black and white? Again, the directors have done this for a reason.  If Schindler’s List ever gets remade in colour, someone is going to get hurt, I promise you that.

The original film is in another language.

Ah yes, subtitles. How am I supposed to concentrate on my popcorn when I have to read all those damn subtitles! The fact of the matter is this: perfectly good films are made outside of Hollywood. So why ignore them? The subtitles are there to help you. Hard work goes into the translation of a film’s dialogue. The Norwegian film Insomnia (1997), directed by Erik Skjoldbjærg was deemed irrelevant, and an American version was made in 2002. Al Pacino did a fine job, but surely there are new screenplays to be written that would have been just as suitable. If you are willing to get over the barrier of subtitles, you will be rewarded by literally a whole world of films. So get over it, please.

The original film is set in a different location and has old actors and music.

This seems to be the most baffling. Despite the recent success of films like Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrells and Snatch, there has been a recent phenomenon of remaking classic British films and relocating them to more accessible, American settings.  The three that come to mind right away are Get Carter, The Italian Job, and The Ladykillers. 

I join these two complaints for a reason. Michael Caine, star of the original Get Carter and The Italian Job is apparently much too old and talented to star in these films. For that reason, he must be replaced, argue the studio execs, by Sylvester Stallone and Mark Wahlberg.  Am I the only one who sees something wrong here?  And don’t even get me started about The Ladykillers. Joel & Ethan Coen are among the best screenwriters in Hollywood. Why would they remake one of Alec Guinness’s finest efforts?

The bottom line

I could seriously write a book about this. Are screenwriters and movie producers running out of ideas? Absolutely not! I am certain that struggling screenwriters are constantly getting their scripts rejected by major studios in favour of these senseless remakes, which are still plaguing us every year (the recent The Manchurian Candidate remake, for instance). If it is true that one out of three waiters at restaurants in Los Angeles have screenplays in their pockets, then perhaps we should spend more time giving these poor sods a chance, rather than blowing our credibility. 

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