My New Year's Resolutions
By Shel Desormeaux
Honest to God, I can’t remember the last time I made a New Years resolution. I probably did at some point, but I think I stopped when I realized that so much stuff will and won’t change over the span of a year. So much that there isn’t any point. For example, I could quit drinking, right? But the chances of me quitting my job are slim to nil. Ergo, I drink more at year end than I did last New Years.
But for shits and giggles maybe I should lay some out for this year. I mean, if you’re going to look ahead, you should look at it positively. How can I improve myself? What can I do to make the lives of anyone better? Can I order Lamberti by the case at the closest LCBO (Ontario liquor stores)? Burning questions, folks, burning questions.
Resolutions. Season by season, here we go.
Winter – I’m cold because I’m a slacker. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks. Even though I have a crap load of stuff to do, I forget I won’t be able to do any of it if the blood circulation to my lower extremities has been cut off. So I resolve to hit the gym again. As well, while I read a lot, I’m a literature curmudgeon, I hate the mere thought of a lot of new stuff and I refuse to read anything with ‘Prada’ in the title. I resolve to give just a little and pick up one piece of crappy chick lit this winter.
“Spring” – More walks in the park. Cleaning. I don’t need this many magazines. I have magazines about Disney World predating the actual trip I took to Florida. I’m a reformed pack rat, so this frustrates me. I need to adhere to some sort of schedule or something, so this shit actually gets done. The cats aren’t pulling their weight around here.
Summer – Swim, swim, swim. One of the things that bugs my ass about Toronto is Lake Ontario. We were going to clean it when we thought the world would be flying over here to swim in it for bits of metal, but eh, since everyone’s staying home, to hell with it. We’ve got the indoor pools, back up the Javex truck, Dave. We’ve got indoor everything. That’s a little frightening and a whole lot stupid. Toronto’s a big city, in a huge province, in a country that should know better and has set precedents in the past. But no. In fear of floating poo, bring Chelsea and Madison to the eye-burning cesspool that is the closest community center. Resolutions? Just swim in the chlorine and bitch about Dalton McGuinty.
Autumn – The kids will go back to school soon. The leaves look lovely this time of year. Note to self: buy a rake. I forgot this year.
Winter – Again, Bullwinkle? While I’m swimming and the hydrochloride is burning holes into my bathing suit and cauterizing the open rake blisters on my palms, I will ponder Christmas. I will ponder malls and wrapping paper and traveling for hours and wish for a paper bag into which I can hyperventilate.
Another year down.
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